By Shruti Dave and Laurel Lathrop
Opinions Editor and Staff Writer

It’s that time of year again—when hordes of soccer moms duke it out in front of robot hamsters at Toys ‘R Us, grandmothers visit for indefinitely long time periods, long-lost relatives send 15 pairs of fuschia and lime toe socks, and suddenly everyone is humming the same exact tunes. Yes, it’s the good old nondenominational holiday spirit. Well, what about all the good people in the world who don’t celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Ramadan? Where are their holiday goodies? As fighters for equality, The Talon offers the top five holidays no one has ever heard of. Maybe everyone can share them.

December 21: Look on the Bright Side Day
So Great-Aunt Goldie insists on telling folktales in Yiddish, despite the fact that the family isn’t from Eastern Europe and she herself has lived in San Diego her whole life. Look on the bright side: It’s an opportunity to bond with the older generation and learn a cool new language! This fabulous holiday can help whenever December blues strike. The presence of six relatives in a kid’s bedroom will cease to be a problem once Looking on the Bright Side teaches the art of playing “This Little Piggy” with their toes while they’re sleeping.

December 24: National Eggnog Day
Who needs to party with Bacardi when there’s eggnog? This strangely creamy beverage makes its way into the homes of nearly everyone to be thoroughly enjoyed by…no one. It’s kind of like fruitcake: Everyone has it, and no one does anything useful with it. This is a shame because, unlike fruitcake, eggnog is actually good. So relax and sit by the fireplace enjoying a mug of eggnog on this holiday. Bottoms up!

December 26: National Whiners’ Day
ATTENTION STUDENTS:
Don’t do any homework until this day. (Because there will be work between semesters.) Then, whine like never before about the amount of assignments. Spend extra time during caroling hitting “whiny” notes like F-sharp to perfect this. (Those who celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah have the advantage of being able to whine about not getting that picture-phone/Mercedes/villa in France.) And for the grand finale, ask friends to come over and whine together.

December 28: Card Playing Day
Time to break out that old canasta kit and party it up, because Card Playing Day has arrived. Why else is Grandma there but to teach the whole house how to play bridge? This brings two immediate advantages. It causes so many warm fuzzy moments of family togetherness in one sitting that everyone can avoid guilt about running screaming from the house right afterward. Even more importantly, it will prevent Grandma from running outside after Toto the Dog and getting run over by that ugly reindeer with a glowing nose. Great-Aunt Lenore might even decide to speak English, even if all she says is, “Go fish.”

December 30: Festival of Enormous
Changes at the Last Minute
Remember three years ago when, after everyone was already gathered for a lovely meal at Cousin Henrik’s, Aunt Rose decided to take a plane, three buses and a ferry to Casper, Wyoming to become a Runaway Christmas Bride? Well, here’s the holiday just for her, and for everyone who secretly wants to be her. Hopefully no one else will end up in Chandler, Arizona (where Rose is still waiting at the 7-11 to get a ride to the party).