By Samir Shah and Darius Filsuf
Content Editor and Senior Writer

{Matrix spoiler alert}

This column will attempt to do justice to the peculiarities in life that popular opinion sweeps under the rug. Here, we will examine the deeply philosophical, all-revealing finale to the Matrix trilogy.

It seems the “Matrix Revolutions” has a striking similarity in its plotline to the manner in which a student in high school “BS’s” an in-class essay. The student has no clue what he’s talking about at all, but he still comes off sounding somewhat intellectual and profound despite the fact that he is neither of these things.

The first area in which the trilogy undoubtedly fails is in the acting. The acting is melodramatic and just plain stupid. We’re sick and tired of seeing theatrical shots of Neo moving about like he’s a marine in a drill line, and turning an about face before he battles another one of the freaking agents. Not just that, but the emotion that is displayed in the acting throughout the movie is terrible. When someone dies, you honestly don’t care that much because you don’t feel attached to the character at all.

Also, we wonder why the people in Zion have crappy clothing. They have all this advanced equipment, for example the ship they fly about in, the Nebuchadnezzar (biblical reference by the way), yet everyone who is alive in the movie has to wear torn, sewn-together rags.

The worst part of this movie is the fact that it’s pretty boring. Most of the events do not relate to the original Matrix idea. What is the purpose of the trainman? The little Indian girl? Her linguistic father? The scene with the French villain Merovingian caters to one thing only: putting on a display of his hot wife. Who is he anyway?

There is one particular scene is the movie that perhaps defines the word gratuitous: the oh-so-long battle scene. How many times can you honestly see ammunition flying across the screen? And what’s worse is the people of Zion seem to all be helplessly stupid. Their battle strategy to defend themselves against an near-infinite amount of machines is to strap themselves into shield-less mechwarrior-esque jalopy-type machines and shoot at a hole.

The final thing about this movie that perturbs us is the manner in which the Wachowski Brothers attempt to make this movie into some philosophical allegory when there is actually no deeper meaning. Thus, the viewer is obligated to make up his own ideas about what’s happened or buy Matrix philosophy books (yes, there are such things). Then he can tell his buddy that he’s a genius and understands the deep ideas in the story. The average person shouldn’t and probably can’t comprehend these ideas, assuming they exist at all.

To those who enjoyed the movie, you’re probably smarter than the rest of us “dumb folks”, so be happy and don’t get mad at us.