Compiled by Bubba Wiener and Mariya Kalashnikova

Richard Rullo Football

Dread and horror. These are just a few of the characteristics that football coaches use to describe the back up quarterback and water boy of the football team, Richard Rullo. Coach Robert Sykes characterizes Rich as an ugly ogre who lacks coordination on the field. “He is probably the slowest player I have seen in my entire 15 years of coaching football. Not to mention he throws like a girl. A true disgrace and the worst player on our team.” This year, Rich has barely played. His only moment in the spotlight came when he threw one pass, which was immediately intercepted and returned for a touchdown. He was instantly taken out of the game and hasn’t seen any action since.
He has been keeping himself busy, though. Rich can be seen sprinting up and down the sidelines with water bottles in hand at every game, desperately trying to keep his teammates hydrated. Rich’s inspiration is famous waterboy Bobby Boucher, a true role model for any H2O professional. Like Boucher, Rich lives to hydrate, never leaving home without his custom tailored water bottle. He dreams of someday playing with the big boys, or giving them their water anyway.

Martin Sheehan-Stross Cross Country

Martin Sheehan-Strauss, once a prodigy of cross country, is now a flat out disgrace to the sport. Martin’s running talents have greatly deteriorated over the past three years. Coach Julie Widstrand could not force out a reply when asked to comment on Martin and his impact on the team. The question provoked bitter tears and frustrated grunts.
“Let’s just say, if my grandma and Martin raced, I’d put my money on my grandma. He has gained a lot of weight in the midsection which has slowed him down. Sometimes we even have to carry him when we run because he is so out of breath from the stretching,” teammate Julien Veron said.
Martin has finished dead last in all three competitions he has competed in so far this year.
It is not even clear whether Martin is still a part of the cross country team, since he hasn’t been seen at practice for most of the season. “I just feel like my strengths lie places elsewhere from cross country. I may not be much of a runner, but I’m definitely a lover, not a hater.”